Caring Too Damn Much
by Saphira112
Summary: Allen finally admits his feelings during a spat with Kanda. This is like another side to how Kanda might feel. Forgive minor OOCness. Rated for implications of explicit content.


**A/N: **Written based off a conversation/rp thingie with my friend a1y-puff.

Caring Too Much

One-Shot

They were fighting again. They didn't fight too much in the beginning and recently, they had begun fighting more, and quite frankly, Allen was getting just a little tired of it. It wasn't that he was backing down, oh _hell_ no. But Kanda always seemed to want to pick out his faults, make everything fall on his shoulders, and Allen was bloody sick of it. He was sick of Kanda demeaning him, and he was sick of Kanda treating him like he didn't know what he was doing. Sometimes it was justified and Allen knew that, but that didn't mean Kanda was right all the time, nor did that mean Allen was going to take it.

As of now, however, they were fighting over Allen caring about Kanda. Kanda had fallen and technically 'died' in their latest fight against a small army of level three's. Allen had a reason to be worried. It wasn't just because of his feelings, it was also because Kanda had just _let_ himself get killed, and that was what made Allen angry.

"Well excuse me for caring so much, baKanda!" Allen was shouting. It had been minutes earlier when Finders and other exorcists had cleared the way down the hall. So now the hallway was empty, and Allen had even dodged Link along the way, which was a relief, because he knew any minute, he was going to slip up something, no matter how Kanda replied.

"If you have the time to care for me, then start caring for your own damn self, you stupid self-sacrificing moron!" Kanda yelled back, and that struck Allen hard.

He glared. "Yeah, well what if I cared about you more than my life!"

Kanda stopped, turned, and glared back. "Why the fuck would you care about me? Stop being such a God damn martyr!"

Allen went up beside Kanda, and they were both livid. "Because I just do! And it's your fault because you made me fall in love with you!!"

Three... two... one...

"What!?"

Allen couldn't tell if the red on Kanda's face was from embarrassment or anger. Or both.

"You heard me," Allen said evenly, not breaking the eye contact.

But Kanda did. Bingo. "Yes, I heard you, moron. But what the fuck? Why?"

Confused? Allen expected so. He gave the taller male a defiant look, raising one fine eyebrow. "Does there always have to be a specific reason for why something happens, Kanda?"

"Of course there fucking does!" Kanda said, and now Allen knew that the red was partly from embarrassment. So had he broken the ice? He was willing to bet he had and he and Kanda were drowning in the water underneath it all. "Everything happens for a reason, idiot! You don't just... you don't just love someone like _me!_"

That was a little unexpected. Kanda, demeaning himself? Was he that insecure? Allen knew Kanda had skeletons in his closet – hell, they all did, and more got added by the day – but he hadn't expected that kind of response.

Allen sighed, closing his eyes, as if to regain some composure. He was so glad no one else was around. "Well, fine. You're a jerk with a stick up his arse more often than not, you do nothing but insult me and bring me down all the time like I'm worth nothing, and we never can get a civil conversation in without it turning into a fight or a brawl after the first bloody sentence. Despite that..." Allen then looked up at Kanda again, trying to suppress his own blush. "I feel I can—no, I _know_ I can trust you, and that even with your outwardly demeanor, deep down, I feel you do care, at least somewhat, for our well-being, and maybe you don't really hate me..." He trailed off, seeing Kanda's expression. "I don't know! It's really hard to explain and it's not helping that you're demanding a reason as to why I fell for you!"

Now Allen was blushing. Hard,

Kanda turned his face away, refusing to look at Allen. But there was definitely redness on the samurai's cheeks. "Stop. Just stop talking."

That wasn't rejection. Nuh uh. "You're the one who wanted me to try to explain, Kanda!"

"And now I'm telling you to shut up!" Kanda faced him again, despite his embarrassment, and he was glaring again. "You're the one who said you love me first, moron! And it's your fault that I—"

He stopped abruptly, catching himself before he said something and Allen got the feeling that the 'something' was really, really significant.

"That you _what,_ Kanda?" Allen asked, moving closer to the other male. It helped that Kanda moved back, because it gave the young Brit more than enough reason to trap Kanda between him and the wall behind him. Again, really glad no one else was in this hallway. Big chrome eyes stared up at Kanda, and it was obvious he had no intention of leaving until he got an answer.

Kanda glanced away. He was looking for an escape route, or something, that could save him this waste of time and his pride. Also would help to get rid of the embarrassment in the form of the red stain on his cheeks. Finding no escape, however, he turned to glare at Allen again. "None of your fucking business. Go away."

He put his hands on Allen's shoulders, moving to push him away. But Allen wasn't going to take that. If there was another thing he was sick of, it was Kanda blowing him off... All. The damn. Time.

"You know what? I am absolutely _sick_ of always taking that for an answer!" Allen shouted at Kanda, and then did something unbelievable. He grabbed a fistful of Kanda's shirt, tugged him down, and the white-haired teen pressed his lips firmly to Kanda's.

Kanda was wide-eyed then, stunned for a long few seconds, then struggled to pull back. Allen wasn't having any of that. He moved to put his hands on Kanda's cheeks, holding his face still, and then he turned his head, deepening the kiss further, and it lasted maybe another ten to fifteen seconds before Allen pulled back. He kept his hands on Kanda's cheeks and was giving him that same defiant look like earlier, those same determined eyes and the stony expression plastered on his face, unmoving. "Do I need to keep proving myself or do you get it now?"

Kanda attempted to focus his glassy eyes on the Brit before him. He couldn't tell whether that had excited him or angered him. Both normally felt the same, but he still tried to glare, yet he found there wasn't a lot of force he could put into it. His hands finally came up, grabbing Allen's, and was in the process of moving them away from his face because he really couldn't deal with them right now, and then he stopped halfway. Those silver eyes... they were staring at him, into him, and through him, accepting anything they found or could potentially find, and despite how hard they seemed, there was a gentle gloss painted over there, softening the resulting look. Crystalline eyes, reflecting back while taking in everything that met them.

Kanda faltered.

And then they were kissing again and Allen couldn't tell whether he had started it or Kanda had – he has a sneaking suspicion it was the latter – but he didn't care. He replaced his hands on Kanda's cheeks, holding his head as the younger male tilted his own, and he even went so far as to sneak his tongue in through to Kanda's mouth, roaming around in that moist cavern, trying to find more, and giving back to Kanda what he found in the form of a small, but very clear, moan.

Allen's hands drifted back and tugged at the ornants in Kanda's hair, undoing the tie, and letting the long tresses fall down, slipping through his fingers like silk, and he could've sworn Kanda made a few noises into the kiss sounding too much like content sighs to go unnoticed. Through the kiss, Allen found the uncertainty behind it, and could tell with Kanda's lack of response that he knew next to nothing about kissing.

Well. Allen was there to teach him, wasn't he?

After pulling back for quick breath, Allen kissed him again and this time used his tongue to coax Kanda's to move with it. The samurai picked it up quickly and they were having a small battle between them. Allen was almost pressed against the other exorcist up to this point, and was tugging lightly at his hair.

Kanda was the one who broke the kiss in order to breath and in a moment of vulnerability, his forehead fell and rested on Walker's shoulder. Allen had to have a moment to adjust now, since taking in a gulp of cold air almost chilled him, because there had been all hot hair and pants in the kiss they had just shared, and there had been a lack of breathable air, too, but it had still been nice, and...

Allen wrapped his arms around the male's shoulders. One hand remained wefted in Kanda's long hair. Then he pulled back a bit, helping Kanda lift his head up just slightly, and he placed a gentle, chaste kiss on those slightly parted lips. The samurai's eyes were closed, and there was a contemplating look on his face, and then it seemed he realized what he had been doing, and he abruptly turned his face away, ending that softer kiss, and stared out at nothing with unreadable eyes.

He'd let his guard down, let his walls fall, and this brat had almost gotten through. This stupid annoying fucking martyr of a beansprout had almost wormed his way down to places Kanda had sealed off a long time ago, had almost touched places Kanda couldn't remember ever having been touched before. That wasn't going to happen. No way.

"Let me go," he muttered, almost inaudibly. Why was his voice so quiet? When it was normally quiet, it was dangerous, but now it just seemed... weak? No, Kanda Yuu was not weak. No way.

Allen tightened his grip and shook his head. "No. I won't... I'm not letting you go." His arms released Kanda's shoulders, but then they went around his torso and Allen laid his head against the taller male's chest, staring out to the side at nothing. "I'm not letting you run away from me. Not anymore."

That ended now.

Kanda stiffened in the hold, freezing, and as he thought about the situation, time slowed down. It wasn't the embrace that made him stiffen so much as it was the brat's words. The insistence, the daring. Something inside him made him want to return the embrace, but he didn't do such a thing. No. He still wasn't even sure what was really going on. The arms around him were as strong as they were stubborn... like him. Was he belonging to those arms? He still didn't understand why. He couldn't get attached, couldn't be dependent.

He closed his eyes and sighed. Time resumed. "What do you want from me?"

Allen didn't miss a beat, didn't falter, and maybe that's why his next words sounded so... selfless. "Anything you're willing to give... at any point in time."

A pretty safe answer, considering... well, Kanda obviously didn't understand relationships. Allen knew he had done more than enough by admitting his feelings and hell, kissing Kanda of all things. Time really wasn't on their side, though. Deep down, the Fourteen was eating away at Allen's sanity, and for Kanda, his lotus didn't have very many petals left. It was ridiculous to start a relationship in a war, because anything could happen, but the belief Allen would come back to this place with a smile with everyone still alive around him... that belief sustained him and that was probably why it was all right for him to express his emotions now.

"...Okay." It came out as a whisper, and for once, Allen heard uncertainty in Kanda's voice. Slowly, the samurai put his arms around Allen, and his hands clutched at the shirt covering the Brit's back. "Okay," he said again, and his forehead fell to Allen's shoulder. It was almost like he was hiding his face, perhaps to save pride.

Was he shaking?

Allen's hand traveled up to touch Kanda's head, fingers running through the long black strands again. Perhaps, maybe, Kanda was a bit afraid, deep down, and just too prideful to show or admit to it. He might not even admit it to himself.

"... what are you willing to give, Kanda?" Allen asked quietly.

There came a sigh. "I don't know." Allen felt the grip on his shirt tighten. "I don't have anything to give, beansprout."

Allen's expression softened, even though he wasn't looking at Kanda. "You always have something to give. You can feel it, can't you? Deep down, there's something there, something stirring, and if you choose to give it, you can. Are you willing to give that, Kanda? You don't have to say 'yes'..."

Kanda frowned and moved to pull back. Allen's arms loosened and let go and he was left staring at the samurai again. Said male sighed again. "Che. I don't fucking know what the hell you're talking about." Allen opened his mouth— "But whatever." —and shut it again. "I can... give this."

Allen blinked, because then Kanda had their lips pressed together. It was chaste, and very hesitant. Their lips had barely even brushed, actually, but... Allen blushed. Harder than he had before.

Kanda pulled back. "Isn't that enough of an answer, beansprout?"

Allen blinked again, and then again, and after he had blinked for the seventh time, a smile slowly spread on his lips. It wasn't one of the those poker-smiles, or the fake reassuring smiles he gave Lenalee all the time. No, this was a small, very faint, curl of the lips and it made the eyes seem much gentler, and understanding, and that was how Kanda could tell that the idea had given him more than just content; he was genuinely happy.

"More than enough, Kanda," Allen replied, still smiling.

"Che." Kanda turned his face away with a small blush on his own cheeks.

-x-

It wasn't long, that about a few weeks after that hallway incident, they ended up in bed together. Kanda had more colourful language that Allen thought, as he stroked the desire he had built up for the past hour or mo. Allen leaned over to nip at the male's ear, tongue tracing his cartilage, and he moved his hand a little faster.

See, one thing Allen observed was that Kanda didn't call out his name. At all. In the hallways, whether they kissed in secret or were around others, Kanda always called Allen the normal nicknames – beansprout, idiot, etc. - and maybe Allen was just being a little overly-sensitive on the idea, but he would like to know how his name sounded from Kanda's lips. But it was mostly just

"K-Kuso..." And then Kanda came in his hand.

Allen tilted his head. Well, if it wasn't his name Kanda moaned, then it was a string of Japanese words, or single words, all of which Allen didn't really understand. He didn't ask, because one, that would break the mood, and two, he felt he didn't need to. Having Kanda like this... something he hadn't ever thought possible... it was more than enough for Allen.

When their session had tired them out (Allen had let Kanda penetrate him first, after guiding him through how to prepare him), Allen was laying beside Kanda, head on his chest, and the sheets were pulled up to his middle back. One arm was draped across Kanda's torso and the hand curled under Kanda's arm. Allen's tired eyes stared out, and he met with the hourglass. His eyes softened. That lotus.

Somewhere along the lines, Kanda had given Allen a hint as to why it was there and what it was doing to him. And hence, the tattoo, which Allen had given a few extra moments of attention to during their session. Allen blinked once, and instead of seeing the lotus, he saw the Fourteenth, grinning back at him, and it reminded him of the decline he was suffering from, and Allen shut his eyes tightly.

The sheets shifted and Allen felt it going over his shoulders and then a hand drifting into his hair. Allen blinked. His shoulders felt a lot warmer. Had they really been that cold? Allen tilted his head back, still keeping it on Kanda's chest, and he looked up at the samurai's face. The navy eyes were staring back at him. The hand touched his hair lightly.

"Stop dwelling on it," Kanda said quietly. "Go to sleep."

The Brit nodded and put his head back down, but he didn't say anything in return. The hand in his hair got to be a little more firm, and now it was like it was cradling his head to remain pressed against Kanda's chest. He slipped into a doze and thought he heard Kanda talking to him, but he couldn't pick out all the words.

"Idiot, it's just like you... worrying over stupid things... because..."

Allen just cared too damn much.


End file.
